Things parents typically know when their kids are pre-teens:
- Who their kids’ friends (and friends’ parents) are.
- Where they are.
- Who they’re with.
- What they’re (mostly) up to.
- What’s happening at school.
- Who’s their favourite teacher.
- What they’re eating.
- What they like on TV.
- What they’re reading.
- How much sleep they’re getting.
Things parents typically know when their kids are teenagers:
Ummm. Let me get back to you.
Remember when you knew pretty-much everything there was to know about your child?
Then, one day, you realise they’ve pulled away – their friends are more important, they don’t share much of their day, they’re not hungry because they grabbed something at the shops after school or they ate at their casual job?
As our kids grow and evolve into a different version of themselves, so do we as parents and carers.
We navigate sudden mood shifts and wonder what happened to those innocent little faces that delighted at the mention of a cupcake after school.
We find different ways to ask the same question – and occasionally hit on the right approach.
We make the most of conversations in the car – when they’re being dropped off or they’re learning to drive.
We call out “have fun, be safe” as they run out the door.
We ask, “how was your night?” when they stumble into the kitchen at lunchtime on Sunday – knowing we’ll either get a complete download on everything that happened or a grunt as they head back to their room.
Our teens need us more than ever during this time in their lives, when they’re hovering around 18, officially an adult yet still with so much growing to do.
They’ll pretend they don’t need us.
They’ll argue world politics while making themselves a huge bowl of 2-minute noodles.
They’ll come home with a new plushie from the markets because it made them laugh.
They’ll be outraged when we ask them to clean up after themselves (“I was too tired last night, I’ll do it later, why are you making such a big deal out of it?”)
Five minutes later they’re chasing a sibling up the hall “pinch and a punch for the first day of the month!”. Only now the sound of their running feet reverberates throughout the whole house.
Watching the process of emerging into the adults they’ll become is one minute delightful, the next minute frustrating, the next minute filled with laughter, the next minute tinged with sadness.
We can’t fight their battles for them. We can’t shield them from mistakes. We can’t wrap them in cotton wool until they have safely moved through the typical risk-taking behaviours that scare the crap out of us.
We can only be there when they need us. Guiding and encouraging them to make good choices. To be safe. To learn from their mistakes. To keep looking forward.
And when they do share who their friends are or what they’ve been up to or watch TV with us? We enjoy it – whether we approve of their choices or not – because what’s most important is that they want to share.
And let’s face it – there’ll be choices they’re making and things they’re doing that we’d rather not know.
Back when we were teens we didn’t tell our parents everything we got up to. And here we are, functioning adults.
If you’re a parent of an almost-adult, cut yourself some slack. Your teen is learning a new way of being. You’re learning a new way of communicating. Learning means making mistakes. It means trying new things. It means asking for help when needed. And it means trusting that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available at the time.