I grew up in a household of 6 kids. 15 years from oldest to youngest. I’m in the middle – so I lived with teenagers for many years.
Now, with 3 teens of my own, as well as working with teens, coaching teen netballers, mentoring teen umpires – I’ve realised a few things.
Teens will tell you what they think you want to hear.
They’ll alter facts slightly (or not so slightly) to make themselves look good, or capable, or confident – at home, with their friends, at school.
They might not feel like explaining something, so they’ll deny all knowledge.
Sometimes they’re unsure how to explain their behaviour or their mood, so they shrug and disappear into their bedroom.
They get annoyed when we ask too many questions; then decide to download their day with us when we’re just about to head off to bed (and they’re wide awake).
One minute they’re mucking around, laughing at dad-jokes; next minute they’re rolling their eyes because we’re being too annoying or embarrassing or, well, we’re existing.
We’re left feeling a little dumfounded, wondering what just happened.
Spare a thought though, for what’s going on in their minds.
Their bodies are changing – often at a rate that makes no sense to them. Legs and arms growing disproportionately, so they feel gangly, clumsy and awkward. Not to mention struggling to find clothes that fit.
Their hormones are up and down. Female menstrual cycles takes time to settle into regularity. Sometimes they’ll ovulate and gain the calming benefit of progesterone. Other times they ride the roller coaster of oestrogen – strong, confident one minute, irritable and edgy the next. Males adjusting to testosterone might find themselves with bursts of anger for no reason.
Add to this the ebb and flow of friendships. Groups that connected in primary school or early high school expand and contract, split up and re-form. Grudges and slights, whispers and dirty looks are magnified. While teenagers are pushing boundaries at home and seeking independence, their need to belong to a group of like-minded people outside home is magnified. Friendships are essential, meaning being kicked out of a group or ignored is one of the worst things that can happen. Left off or removed from a group chat. Uninvited from a party. Ostracised for a perceived wrong-doing – punishment amongst teens can be swift, righteous and cruel.
While it might seem that they are pushing us (parents, carers, family) away, this is when they need us more than ever. Knowing they can come home to a safe, judgement-free space. Knowing they’ll be forgiven for a snappy reply or sarcastic comeback (yes, they can acknowledge their response was inappropriate – but let’s not make a big deal of it). Knowing we’ll still love them and be there for them and sit in the discomfort with them if that’s what they need.
Mostly, they don’t want us to solve problems for them. They need to work it out themselves. They may ask for advice or an opinion – and then accept or reject it. They’re working through options, planning, making mistakes. Learning and growing.
The safety net we provide is mostly support, not problem-solving.
As a mindset coach, I offer teens a safe space to explore who they are. I ask questions to help expand their thinking. I see their confidence, resilience and ability to manage emotions grow from week to week, month to month. I see improved relationships at home, at school, with family, teachers, friends. I’m happy to take the odd eye roll or grumpy mood. It’s worth it, as I get to witness them emerging into stronger, more confident version of themselves.
And that’s a privilege.